9 weeks until TPF

It's been two years since I've been at my smallest. I've gotten engaged, been rear ended in my car, gained all my weight back, got depressed, called off the engagement, let life seriously stress me out, gained more weight then I've ever had before, could care less about something's in life, so tired of saying ugly things to myself which I've never done before. 

 

That about sums all that up. It's been an interesting two years and that doesn't even include the year before that, that was totally emotional!

I'm so tired of not looking in the mirror. I've never been a vain girl and spent time in front of a mirror. It's always just been something to do quick glances at to check to make sure nothing crazy is going on with me. (I'm a no make up, natural is awesome kind of girl, including the crazy frizzy curly hair). But for the last several months I can be very mean to myself when I do my quick glance. I ignore the mirror now. Been ignoring it for a long time but the self verbal abuse is more new. 

Anyways I am ready to quit that. Which means the weight must go. So since I will be going to TPF again I thought I might as well see if in the next two months I can get down to the jeans I had bought for the last time. Size 14. I'm just curious if I can. It is NOT the goal. Right now I am a tight 18 but loose 20, have not had to buy a pair yet in that size. 

I have given myself permission to get a little obsessed with healthier eating and working out. Just blast myself the next two months. What's the worse that can happen? I quit? That's nothing new. Have pain from working out? Hell I'm in daily pain cause of this weight! I get sexy? Bring it! I actually want sex? I'd enjoy having that interest back! 

So need to pass out now that that I can have energy to get up and workout instead of doing it when I get home. 

Another one bites the dust. Haha.